Mind Over Matter
I don’t want to write this blog post right now. My heart isn’t in it. I feel like I’m losing steam and motivation. We’ve been stuck at home for just about three weeks and I’m starting to lose my “oompf” if you know what I mean. I would love to be optimistic right now, but shit, it’s just really hard to be. I’ll compare it to this: it’s like when you decide to go on a diet. You are so excited to get it right in the first couple weeks, and you feel really good but then you start having cravings. Cravings for that really delicious Portillo’s chocolate cake or that really insane milkshake at the Sugar Factory (two of my personal vices).
What’s really messed up about this comparison is that the consequences for breaking this diet are potentially lethal. I went into a store for the first time in three weeks because I had to pick up a medication. I had my N95 on (used from a spray painting project a few years ago, otherwise I would have donated) and the vibes were just not right. Everyone was really solemn and the energy just projected back to me. If I knew that buzzkill was coming, I would have tried to find somewhere with a drive thru pharmacy.
Real talk: it’s not worth it. Deep down, we’re all freaking miserable that we’re stuck inside with these strict shelter in place laws, but even stepping into essential businesses right now is enough to completely mute any optimism I might have had for the day. I’m tired of walking around our two bedroom with our second bathroom unfinished (yes, due to the pandemic) and literally no purpose except to eat, work, workout, and sleep. I wrote a few weeks ago about finding new things to work on or to commit to. I’m incorporating those as much as I can and planning them in every day, but I can’t help but feel this looming cloud over me.
I read this one meme today that kind of sparked this post. It read “you are not working from home; you are at your home during a crisis trying to work” and that hit me right in the feels. The emotional weight is like this ominous thing we can’t pretend isn’t there. Picture this: you woke up and saw that the day was beautiful and sunny, you get so excited to be outside that you start preparing for a picnic, and you step outside an hour later. You look up and it’s overcast, no sign of sun, it might rain but you’re not sure when. You stand in your doorway contemplating if you still want to go. If you go, your heart isn’t in it because you’re stressing about the rain, but if you stay, you’ll wonder if you missed out on the day turning around.
Every thought about new projects or productive things have me feeling exactly that. Do I invest the time into this? Why do I care about this right now? When will I see the impacts of my work with everything indefinitely on hold? It’s a weird type of stress that doesn’t hit you until you’re about to go to sleep at night and then all of a sudden you’re tossing and turning for what feels like no good reason. I have written four technical articles in the past few weeks to keep myself busy and continue to be a value added contributor. That’s more than our team wrote in a quarter collectively. The only reason is that I don’t know what else I can invest my time into at work that isn’t a complete waste.
I have no shame admitting that I spent the better part of my day trying to calm myself with some online shopping for a new mattress, sheet set, comforter set, and bed frame which were all very much needed in our new place. Clearly a “multitasking” pro. Then saw this email come across my plate. It was our Benefits email through our company, and it said “free premium subscription to Sanvello”. This piqued my interest. What in the heck was this app and why did we get free premium?
After doing some research, I discovered it’s a mental health app and it’s not just our company that gets free premium, anyone can use the premium features during the pandemic. So I downloaded it. I’ve only been playing with it a little bit, but from what I can tell, it looks like it might be a nice addition to my morning routine. It asks you what you would like to focus on mentally and gives you prompts to work on them at random times throughout the day. This isn’t an ad by any means, but if you’re feeling like I am right now, I’m just letting you know what I’m trying out here. I’ll write another post on the progress I’ve made with it… so hold me accountable!
Actually, you know what? Why don’t we all hold each other accountable? Let’s make this interesting. If you’re just as interested as I am to see if these apps work, let’s make it a challenge. From one mentally struggling human to another, let’s see if we can normalize the conversation around this together. Starting April 20th, I am going to start posting daily what I’m journaling in my mental health app on my Instagram and Facebook stories for 30 days.
If you’re with me, follow along by entering your email in the pop up, tagging me at @rachelklavoie on IG or Rachel Lavv on FB, and use the hashtag #DNEchallenge.
Anyone who completes this with me every day until May 20th will receive:
· “Zen as F*ck” journal (because I like the name)
AND
· A half hour LIVE group class (webinar style) on productivity
Let’s find a better state of mind together!
